Alone vs. Lonely

Warning: sad post below - if you're having a bad day, do not read.

The girls are going to the park. They are all younger than me, but nonetheless, they invite me to come along.
Not that we're friends, but I know one or two among them, and I guess they just feel like being nice to me.
We stroll along the path; they're talking about their most recent shopping spree, their siblings' latest pranks.
I join in once in a while.
But although my mouth says one thing, my heart say another.
I even laugh along.
But the smile and laughter don't really reach my eyes.

The day wears on, and my stomach kindly reminds me it needs some food.
We're out of bread, so I just hop over to the nearest pizza shop to pick something up.
As I wait for my order to be filled in, I look around and notice all the tables are taken.
Families and group of friends are enjoying their vacation and leisurely eating lunch.
This place is so crowded, I think to myself.
And yet...

I sit in my room, with noone to keep me company.
My phone doesn't even ring - it's supper time for kollel couples.
I just stare at my book. My vision is blurred, I can't see the words.
It's just me and my bed, and so I let it all out...

Loneliness is easily explained as being alone.
But read those scenarios again. Was I ever alone?
In the first, I was surrounded with people I knew.
In the second, there wasn't an empty seat in the room.
And in the third -
Well in the third, I had the best 'companion' ever. The One that will never ever ever abandon me.

Loneliness is about emptiness, pain and longing for company. Not company as in having people around me, but to feel like I belong, like I'm part of the crowd.

I guess you could say being alone is a physical state, while loneliness is the emotional aspect of it.

We're all human, and emotions and feelings are beyond our control. They're here, they're real and we just have to deal with them.
My best chizuk line for when I feel so down is "However lonely you may feel, always remember you are never alone." for He is always here with me, not matter where, no matter what and no matter when.

It's never too late

The following is a concept that we often learn about in school, and is very appropriate to today - Rosh Chodesh Elul.
Since I got a personal reminder about it this morning, I figured I'd share it with everyone.

My alarm clock rang once, twice, three times and more this morning...
I woke up at the first shot, and of course hit the snooze button right away, turned over, and went back to selep.
Twenty minutes later, I woke up again, and did the exact same thing.
My alarm clock rang every 9 minutes for 50 minutes, and only then did I wake up again, and finally jumped out of bed.
I had to rush a bit, but I b"h made it to work on time.
Imagine if I would've just said "oh well, i didnt wake up on time, ill just stay in bed for the day, because it's anyways too late"...
Doesn't really makes sense, does it?
So all it was, that I had to rush myself. and the longer I stay in bed, the more I have to rush to get to work on time, which means more work on my part.

How often do we feel that we are so rooted in bad habits, that there's no chance for us to do a real Teshuvah, and get out of it?
We might wake up late about it, but it's never too late.
And the later we wake up about it, the more we have to work on ourselves to get out of it, but it's still never too late.

Filters

Thanks to Itsagift for this great mashal!

Email programs have a great feature - the spam filter.
It filters our emails for items we do not need to see, know about or think about for even a second. They are rejected before we get to see them. Prior to having an effect on us, prior to leaving a mark.

How great it would be if we humans would do the same...
Just one moment of indiscretion, a rare minute of Lashon Hora, a minute or two of truly interruptive Bitul Torah in the middle of precious learning time, a decision to let the Shemone Esrei get away because some of it was already lost, another few bites of food taking you into the “Achila Gassa” mode, another few, short blasts of angry words...

All of these have to be filtered as Spam before they start.
Just think about all those moments turned into minutes and hours, the aveiros translated into Mitzvos and Ma’asim Tovim...
How much more valuable time we would gain and use productively!

Back-seat drivers

Ever took a trip with a back-seat driver?

We can sometimes be really annoying.
Whether we're telling you when to turn, when to stop, or just holding onto the door handle for dear life when it looks like you're going to crash in the car in front of you.
This is usually post-traumatic from either an accident or a near-accident. There's simply no way for us to know you saw that car, you have your foot on the brake and will stop on time.

Today, as I made myself comfortable in the back of my cousin's car for a nice long trip, I told myself I wouldn't get nervous. But I couldn't help it.
Everytime he got too close to the car in front of him, I held on to the seat, and my heart dropped. Even though he never failed to stop on time. 
I knew I was being nervous for no reason, since there was nothing I could've done to actually control the car. I should've just sat and enjoyed the ride, but I simply couldn't.

That got me thinking that so many times, we try to tell Hashem how to run our lives. We try to take control of where life is taking us. But there's nothing we can do. And Hashem is in full control (way more than any driver out there), so may as well just let Him run my life the way it should, and just ride along.

Still sleeping?

I woke up from my nap, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
Once again, I had slept on my arm, and although I was awake, it was still sleeping.
Basically, it felt like my arm was chopped off, and I was laying on a piece of rubber.
I started flicking and tapping it, in order for it to regain some sensation.
It took a few hits, and a few minutes, but eventually the numbness wore out, and I was able to feel my arm again.

Sometimes, some of us 'fall asleep' in our Yiddishkeit, and we need a flick, a tap to wake us up. Some hits are harder than others, but the goal is just that: to wake us up.

Limited Bitachon?

Thank you - you know who you are - for sending me this great mashal.

There was once a magician called "The Great Farini", and one day he strung a rope across niagra falls, waited for a crowd to surround him, climbed up and before he walked across he turned to the crowd and said "I am the great farni",

and they replied "you are the great farini".

"I am the greatest"

"You are the greatest"

"Do you believe i could walk back and forth across this rope?"

There were scattered replies of belief.

With that he turned and walked back and forth.
When he came back, he took out a blindfold and said to them again

"I am the great farini",

and they replied "You are the great farini"

"I am the greatest"

"You are the greatest"

"Do you believe i could walk back and forth across this rope blindfolded?"

"Yes! we believe!" they chanted.

Once again he walked back and forth, this time blindfolded.
When he came back, his assistant pulled out a unicycle, and once again he called out to the growing crowd

"I am the great farini",

and they replied "you are the great farini"

"I am the greatest"

"You are the greatest"

"Do you believe i could cycle back and forth across this rope?"

"Yes! we believe!" they chanted.

And across he went. And proceeded to do the same again blindfolded.

When he came back, he took out a wheelbarrow, and turned to the cheering multitudes

"I am the great farini",

And in unison they replied "You are the great farini!"

"I am the greatest"

"You are the greatest!"

"Do you believe i could walk back and forth across this rope pushing a wheelbarrow?"

"Yes! we believe!" they chanted.

"Who's getting in?"

Silence.

G-d proves His totality, His strength, His might and His goodness daily, and we praise Him all the time through Pesukei Dezimrah, Hallel and such.
G-d says look, come in the wheelbarrow i will carry you across and you will be safe.
But we don't let ourselves trust Him!
We get nervous. We worry about shidduchim - how will we be able to find our shidduch? and when will it happen? and we worry about money - the economy is so bad!

But we should really just trust Him and let ourselves ride the wheelbarrow to the other side. We must not worry for the very same G-d that we are praising is going to help us with everything.

What do I love?

Lvnsm27 tagged me in this meme: 7 things I love.

It's a hard one. It can be about people I love, sights I love, places I love to go to, things I love doing....
Well, I guess I'll skip people - you guys know who you are :) and then I'll just jot down whatever comes to my mind...

1. I love singing. (I'm not sure if others love it when I sing, but that's a different story)

2. I love learning new things. There's just so much I don't know, and as long as it's interesting, then I want to learn and know.

3. I love spending time with friends. It doesn't have to be a major outing, just being in their company makes me feel good.

4. I love reading; cuddling on the couch, or in my bed, with music on and a good book.

5. I love feeling accomplished. Whether it's after a long day at work, or from cleaning up my room, it's always a good feeling.

6. I love water. I could sit by the ocean for hours and hours, just watching the waves come and go...

7. I love math. It must sound funny, but I really enjoy the complexity of numbers, and all that comes with it.

There's so much more that I love, these are basically the first that came to my mind...

And all of you who read my blog, consider yourselves tagged :)