The girls are going to the park. They are all younger than me, but nonetheless, they invite me to come along.
Not that we're friends, but I know one or two among them, and I guess they just feel like being nice to me.
We stroll along the path; they're talking about their most recent shopping spree, their siblings' latest pranks.
I join in once in a while.
But although my mouth says one thing, my heart say another.
I even laugh along.
But the smile and laughter don't really reach my eyes.
The day wears on, and my stomach kindly reminds me it needs some food.
We're out of bread, so I just hop over to the nearest pizza shop to pick something up.
As I wait for my order to be filled in, I look around and notice all the tables are taken.
Families and group of friends are enjoying their vacation and leisurely eating lunch.
This place is so crowded, I think to myself.
And yet...
I sit in my room, with noone to keep me company.
My phone doesn't even ring - it's supper time for kollel couples.
I just stare at my book. My vision is blurred, I can't see the words.
It's just me and my bed, and so I let it all out...
Loneliness is easily explained as being alone.
But read those scenarios again. Was I ever alone?
In the first, I was surrounded with people I knew.
In the second, there wasn't an empty seat in the room.
And in the third -
Well in the third, I had the best 'companion' ever. The One that will never ever ever abandon me.
Loneliness is about emptiness, pain and longing for company. Not company as in having people around me, but to feel like I belong, like I'm part of the crowd.
I guess you could say being alone is a physical state, while loneliness is the emotional aspect of it.
We're all human, and emotions and feelings are beyond our control. They're here, they're real and we just have to deal with them.
My best chizuk line for when I feel so down is "However lonely you may feel, always remember you are never alone." for He is always here with me, not matter where, no matter what and no matter when.
12 comments:
Your words ring true. There definitely is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I hope you can lose the word "lonely" from your vocabulary very soon.
Wow.
Reminds me of a song You're Never Alone by Avraham Fried which has a chorus:
And don't you know, you're never alone, it doesn't matter where you are,
There's nothing in His eyes more special than you,
Wherever you go,
Hashem goes with you!
It's a great song and provides so much comfort!
May you feel Hashem at your side wherever you are and may this feeling of lonliness soon fade away...
It happens sometimes that we feel loney. You make a good point though that we are never truely alone because Hashem is with us
HS - amen, thx.
IAG - thanks for the link, it's a great song. Amen.
Lvn - the problem is when that happens more often than not
"who knows what kind of loneliness is more agonizing: the one which befalls man when he casts his glance at the mute cosmos, at its dark spaces and monotonous drama, or the one that besets man exchanging glances with his fellow man in silence? Who knows whether the first astronaut who will land on the moon, confronted with a strange, weird, and grisly panorama, will feel a greater loneliness than Mr X, moving along jubilantly with the crowd and exchanging greetings on New Year's Eve at a public square?"
- R' JB Soloveitchik; The Lonely Man of Faith (pg. 37)
what happens when you're alone and you don't even feel like He is with you?
I don't feel alone... that would mean there is the prospect of having someone fill that void of loneliness.
I feel abandoned.
No one is going to keep me company. Everyone left because they don't care.
Anon, I’m so sorry you feel this way; it must be awfully hard to live thinking not one single person cares about you… and although it may be hard at times to see it, you must know that He always does: ”כי אבי ואמי עזבוני וה' יאספני” He will never abandon any of us…
I hope things get easier, Hatzlacha to you
((((hugs))))
Anon, I feel your pain. It's a horrible feeling that nobody cares about you, nobody understands you, nobody is looking out for your welfare.
Let me tell you something. You are not abandoned. The moments when I have felt the most abandoned by people, are the moments when I was most able to turn to Hashem.
Just at the moment of crushing realization that you are more alone than you'd ever imagined, even in your worse nightmare, is the moment when you have the best and deepest clarity to have a proper talk with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And, at that moment, if you take all of that pain and emotion and channel it into a real talk with your Creator, you will feel happier, safer and more cleansed than you have ever felt.
Believe me, the greatest gift that you can ever give yourself is the knowledge and appreciation of G-d.
Thanks so much for the chizuk! Life's a rollercoaster and i just took a major dip but now I am back on top! Hashem does love me :D he brought me amazing news and keeps showing me it will be ok... sometimes i just walk through a dark tunnel and dont see the light until the end... but now i see it and its shining brigh!
Anon, I am so happy to hear that you are feeling better, and that you are able to see the goodness of Hashem, but I am slightly worried.
Your reply sounds....forced? If you really are as happy as you say, B"H, thats amazing! But...it doesn't have to be that easy, that simple. You are allowed to struggle. You are allowed to have rough patches.
When I wrote my reply, I didn't mean that you have to suddenly have a major turnaround and see how perfect everything is. (If that is indeed the case, like I said, I am thrilled for you.) But I don't want you to get the wrong message from my comment.
Imagine if a person walks into a movie theater and sees a movie in progress. He watches for a few minutes, then he leaves. Will the few minutes that he saw make sense to him? Of course not! He didn't see enough! And that is how our lives are. We come into the world for just a bit (compared with the length of time the world has been around) and we don't see enough to make sense.
So, while it may be hard for us, and it often is, we can find nechama in the fact that there is a Master Planner who knows what He is doing, and that this will, ultimately be for our own good, even if we don't see it yet.
That being said, I am thrilled to hear your upbeat tone and hope things only continue to get better and better.
ok, i wont lie... it was slightly forced. I want to be happy so i will trick myself that the smallest thing will make me happy and everything will ok again.. obviously thats not the case... one small thing is not concrete enough to support me in the endless journey for happiness.... i have to practice stabilizing myself so each little sitch wont send me rocking back and forth. at the same time, while i try to convince others that everything is ok, im only trying to fool myself so maybe it will come true... i guess i will have to wait and see how the rest of the movie "develops" and maybe gain some clarity about all these tough situations.
i really appreciate your care and concern and chizuk...
Anon, who knows better than me about putting on a show?I thought about you tonight, as I sat at my computer, talking to friends, though hidden behind the veil of cyberspace. I may have typed "lol" and ":-)" a lot, but tears were coursing down my cheeks. Tears of hurt and anger and sadness.
Indeed, life has taught me to be the world's greatest actress. Life has taught me how to go about my business with a huge smile, while inside, I am crying.
I fool everyone. Everyone, that is, but myself. Because you can't ever fool yourself. If you aren't happy, you aren't happy. Faking happiness doesn't ever make you happy. Believe me, I've tried it.
You say that one small thing can't support you in an endless journey, but let me tell you something. Ever noticed how a large building has a whole bunch of pillars? Each pillar on it's own isn't supporting the building, but together they do. Similarly, sometimes there isn't one huge event in our lives that supports us competely, but rather, lots of little pillars. If you just look out for signs from Hashem that He is there and He is supporting you, you'll find that life is so much easier.
I am sorry to hear you are on a rough journey, and I hope that you have someone that you trust whom you speak to about all of this, because that makes all the difference.
Hatzlacha rabba....stay strong....
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